For many of us, changing patterns that no longer serve our lives feels like pushing against an invisible wall. Years can pass repeating the same cycles, wondering why we cannot break free even when motivated. Yet, research in the fields of emotional development and applied psychology suggests that transformative change happens faster when we touch the deep roots—hidden emotional wounds shaping our choices, perceptions, and habits.
This is where the framework of the 7 pains of the soul becomes a practical map. By learning to identify and address these core emotional pains, we unlock the underlying forces that drive behaviors, sometimes in just days or weeks, not years.
Understanding the 7 pains of the soul
The 7 pains of the soul describe universal emotional wounds formed in early life. They mold how we relate to ourselves, others, and the world. These patterns quietly govern our reactions, beliefs, and even our confidence at work or home. The pains are typically described as:
- Rejection
- Abandonment
- Humiliation
- Betrayal
- Injustice
- Neglect
- Disconnection
Each one anchors distinct emotional realities—fear of being left out, trust issues, perfectionism, or chronic self-doubt. We often carry more than one but usually have a “primary pain” that most shapes our response to stress, opportunities, and relationships. Recognizing these pains is the first step toward using them as a tool for transformation.
Why addressing deep pains changes behavior fast
We have seen, both through professional experience and scientific studies (individuals with higher emotional intelligence show greater adaptability), that working with core emotional pain unlocks rapid results. Here’s why:
- Core pains are the root cause of surface behaviors. When addressed, entire patterns shift at once, not symptom-by-symptom.
- Emotionally loaded memories hold strong neural connections. These “emotional signatures” trigger fast, automatic reactions unless revised.
- When we bring awareness and compassion to our pain, the mind relaxes its defenses, opening space for new behaviors to emerge naturally.
“Change becomes quicker when we treat the cause, not just symptoms.”
Health research also shows that self-awareness and self-regulation are key to fast personal growth.
Step-by-step: Using the 7 pains to change your behavior
We believe the process is both gentle and effective. Here’s how anyone can start:
1. Identify your main patterns
Notice where you repeat unwanted behavior: procrastination, conflict, people-pleasing, or avoidance. Choose one pattern you want to shift quickly and write it down in clear terms.
2. Connect to the underlying pain
Ask yourself: What do I feel just before I act this way? Go deeper, beyond anger or sadness. Do you feel ignored? Afraid of being hurt? Judged? See if you can link these feelings to one of the 7 pains. For example:
- Rejection pain may appear as extreme fear of criticism.
- Betrayal pain often comes out as control or jealousy.
- Abandonment pain may trigger anxiety when facing separation or change.
Recognizing which pain is in play is the single most powerful insight for rapid change.
3. Name it and feel it, safely
Once you point to the pain, name it out loud or in writing—"This is my fear of humiliation," for example. Gently allow yourself to feel the associated emotion for 1–2 minutes. No need to analyze or judge, just witness it. This step builds self-awareness and starts dissolving the automatic charge.
4. Reparent with compassion
Many of our hurts began in childhood. Imagine your younger self facing this pain for the first time. Offer this version of you words of kindness and reassurance, as you might with a loved one:
"You are safe now. You are worthy. You are not alone.”
This step rewires the nervous system, reducing the pain’s power over your actions. Studies have shown that systematic emotional development supports resilience and motivation. Even a short daily practice can dramatically shift emotional patterns.
5. Rehearse a new response
Picture a situation where your old behavior typically shows up. Imagine, with your new awareness and self-compassion, choosing a fresh response—maybe pausing instead of reacting, setting a boundary, or speaking your needs calmly.
Repeat this visualization for a few minutes daily. We have witnessed people who do this consistently find their behavior starts to change almost automatically, even under pressure. It’s like rehearsing a new song until it becomes second nature.
6. Track your shifts and celebrate
Keep a small journal. Notice the moments you act differently, even if small. Celebrate them. Each win is evidence that the pain is losing its hold and your chosen behaviors are taking root. Use this as encouragement, not pressure.
7. Seek deeper support where needed
Sometimes a pain runs deep or is tangled across several relationships or life roles. That’s okay. Support from group practices, mindfulness, or professional guidance can help break patterns that feel too strong to shift alone. See our resources on emotional development and applied psychology if you want to go further.
Connecting emotional pain, intelligence, and quick change
Working with the 7 pains is not about reliving trauma or staying stuck in the past. In our experience, it is a method that grows self-awareness and emotional intelligence—the two foundations of lasting change. Emotional intelligence research shows that self-regulation and reflection reduce unsafe impulsive behaviors and promote psychological well-being (higher risk-taking and aggression combined with low emotional intelligence is linked to unsafe behaviors), highlighting the value of these skills for quick personal change.
At a societal level, studies confirm the urgency of developing these skills. Western university students have experienced declines in self-control and emotionality over the past 17 years, making interventions like mindful engagement with emotional pain even more relevant today.
Applying the 7 pains in real life
We have seen this approach work not only for individuals but also for teams, leaders, and organizations. By addressing the specific ways emotional pain gets triggered in communication or leadership, leaders report better decision-making and more harmonious relationships. See our articles on conscious leadership and expanding consciousness for more insights.
For anyone seeking daily tools, practices like mindfulness help bring continual awareness to which pain is in play, making it easier to recalibrate quickly, even in busy routines.
Conclusion
To change behavior quickly, we must dare to look gently at the roots—not just the leaves. The 7 pains of the soul offer a practical, actionable framework to reveal and release the stuck places inside us. In our research and everyday experience, using them with self-kindness can unlock new behaviors in days or weeks, sometimes even moments.
The science is clear: systematic work on self-awareness and emotional intelligence is the foundation for quick, lasting improvement in how we think, act, and relate. This approach refreshes our habits and our sense of self, supporting emotional health, relationships, and achievement across all areas of life.
Self-change begins the moment we are willing to see, feel, and choose differently—even if just one gentle step at a time.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the 7 pains of the soul?
The 7 pains of the soul are universal emotional wounds formed in our early years—rejection, abandonment, humiliation, betrayal, injustice, neglect, and disconnection. These deeply rooted emotional patterns shape our reactions, beliefs, choices, and even relationships throughout life.
How can I use them to change?
First, identify a repeated pattern you want to change, then connect the painful emotion underneath to one of the 7 pains. By consciously naming, feeling, and gently releasing this core pain (using tools like compassion, visualization, and mindful reflection), new behaviors emerge almost naturally. Tracking small wins helps anchor the new habits.
Is it safe to use this method?
Yes, for most people, approaching the 7 pains with awareness and compassion is safe and supports emotional stability and growth. However, if someone is dealing with major trauma or mental health disorders, it can help to have support from a qualified professional. This ensures the process remains grounding and constructive.
How fast does behavior change happen?
Many individuals notice slight changes in their reactions and choices within days or weeks, especially when the practice is consistent and honest. The deeper the emotional safety and self-compassion, the faster the shift—though the timeline varies for each person and situation.
Who should avoid using this technique?
People in a mental health crisis, or those with a history of unresolved trauma, might benefit more from professional guidance before using this method alone. Otherwise, most individuals can safely apply the steps with gentle self-care and mindful attention.
